Sunday Morning Reflections

Caution: If you’re a family member, don’t read this. So why am I publishing it? Because sometimes just writing it isn’t enough. It becomes more real when I put it out there.

Sunday morning reflections.

I like sunny days

I like being healthy enough to walk

And walk and walk

And explore

And just do what I want to do.

I'm not sure I could handle a relationship

As much as I am lonely

I don't know how much I want to give up.

And, the realist in me knows

Even if I find a soulmate

There will be times 

When I need to compromise.

It won't be all about me.

Not that it is now.

There's work.

And family.

But I get to choose how much I work

And whether to do the weekend stuff.

I get to choose whether to take he phone call

Or answer the text.

I get to decide when to be present.

With a partner, 

That choice becomes more difficult.

I know how my mind works.

There would be guilt.

There would be resentment,

Or maybe, just maybe

I'm basing that negativity

On the past.

Where control, guilt, and resentment

Were the norm.

And it’s time for me

To try, try again.

Banana Bread

Good banana bread

can make you feel a little better.

Great banana bread can make you feel better than

when your mom or best friend brings you

a bowl of hot Chicken noodle soup

when you feel like you will never get out of bed again.

But nothing beats a solid, warm, bone-crushing hug.

Especially if it is followed by

silence instead of questions.

Sad but strong

I think this needs more editing.

Today I got a message,

Four words on my screen,

""I'm feeling really sad "

Which scared me.

I saw the message an hour after it was sent.

and replied with two words,

"Call me."

I sat and waited.

"I can't. I'm at work."

So i worried,

felt guilty about not calling sooner,

And worried.

Went on with my life for a few hours,

and then worried some more.

Because that's all I could think to do.

And then I realized that worrying was more about me

than the person who was sad.

Once I stopped worrying

I started to think about the strength

it takes

to tell someone 

the truth about how you feel,

when that feeling isn’t what people want to hear.

The courage it takes

to reach out,

to expose yourself when you're feeling vulnerable.

To let someone in.

To ask for comfort, help, validation, anything.

To ask someone to listen

The strength it takes

to expose a raw nerve

not knowing for sure

what will happen.

“I feel really sad”

“Call me so I can tell you you’re strong.”