Which is worse, being the one who is aging or the observer?

I may have made this one longer than it needs to be.
The condensed version is:Which is worse,
feeling your life slip away faster every day
or watching as someone you loves
is dying before your eyes.

Long version:

As I watch my mother sleep

I wonder

Which is worse

Feeling your life slip away from you

at a faster rate today than yesterday.

Knowing you are stuttering over a word

that you thought you knew how to say.

Knowing from the look on a face

that you just asked something

they have already told you,

probably more than once.

Knowing that you can’t fully control

bodily functions.

Knowing that you can’t do things

that make your life worth living.

Not wanting to be cared for,

And praying that you could just go to sleep

and not wake up..

Or is it worse to be the daughter, the son

watching a parent

become the needy child.

Knowing you are helpless to change the course of events,

Knowing you need to be positive on the outside

even if you are crying inside.

Knowing you need to be strong

for your parent

and for your own children,

who are watching a grandparent slip away..

All the while wondering,

Will this be me someday?

Will I be a burden on my children?

Will I cause this kind of stress?

Am I handling this the way I should?

Which is worse?
Which is more stressful?

Aging or being the witness?

Am I being selfish to even wonder?

Stress or selfish?

Neither one is what we wish for.

Both thoughts are part of the cycle of life

And a sign of the strength of love.

Ties that bind.

Create fear, worry and wonder.

Wonder that love can be so strong

And so confusing

Yet so sure.